Sssssshari'a on Sssssssnakes

It is hard to tell whether the prophet Muhammad was ophidiophobic or ophiophobic (fearful of snakes) or misoöphidic or misoöphic (hater of snakes), the latter not to be confused with misosophic (hater of wisdom). It may be that in Muhammad's case there is perhaps a greater relationship between his misoöphism (hatred of snakes) and his misosophism (hatred of knowledge) than just the sigma (Greek s) that separates the two words. At least that is what the wicked kafir would say, and for that they ought to be put to death, just like Muslim snakes.

Muslim snakes?

Yes, you read right. Muslims snakes. (There are also abortion-causing and blindness-causing snakes in the wisdom of Islam, as one will learn below.)

What is weirder than the notion of Muslim snakes, when one thinks of it--and for that reason, one ought not to think of it, for Allah (not man) knows best--is this: A kafir or mushrik, that is to say a Jew, a Christian, or an Infidel of any kind, is to be treated the same as a Muslim snake. They may both profitably be put to death. What is weirder is that the snake is to be given three days' warning, and Jew or Christian need be given none.

What?

To understand Muhammad's sssssssssublime sssssserptentine teaching one has to plunge into the ahadith, especially those ahadith so highly regarded by the Muslims as normative, the Sahih Bukhari and the Sahih Muslim, but another fertile source that composite of ahadith called Abu Dawud.

To fathom the wisdom of Muhammad, let us start with this pretty serpentine story. It is found in Sahih Muslim, 26.5557.

Abu as-Sa'ib, the freed slaved of Hisham b. Zuhra, said that he visited Abu Sa'id Khudri in his house, (and he further) said: I found him saying his prayer, so I sat down waiting for him to finish his prayer when I heard a stir in the bundles (of wood) lying in a comer of the house. I looked towards it and found a snake. I jumped up in order to kill it, but he (Abu Sa'id Khudri) made a gesture that I should sit down. So I sat down and as he finished (the prayer) he pointed to a room in the house and said: Do you see this room? I said: Yes. He said: There was a young man amongst us who had been newly wedded. We went with Allah's Messenger (to participate in the Battle) of Trench when a young man in the midday used to seek permission from Allah's Messenger to return to his family. One day he sought permission from him and Allah's Messenger (after granting him the permission) said to him: Carry your weapons with you for I fear the tribe of Quraiza (may harm you). The man carried the weapons and then came back and found his wife standing between the two doors. He bent towards her smitten by jealousy and made a dash towards her with a spear in order to stab her. She said: Keep your spear away and enter the house until you see that which has made me come out. He entered and found a big snake coiled on the bedding. He darted with the spear and pierced it and then went out having fixed it in the house, but the snake quivered and attacked him and no one knew which of them died first, the snake or the young man. We came to Allah's Apostle and made a mention to him and said: Supplicate to Allah that that (man) may be brought back to life. Thereupon he said: Ask forgiveness for your companion and then said: There are in Medina “Jinns” who have accepted Islam, so when you see any one of them, pronounce a warning to it for three days, and if they appear before you after that, then kill it for that is a devil.

This hadith is very, very rich, and there is much wisdom which could be distilled from it. But let us focus on what it tells us about snakes, particularly, Muhammad's teaching about them. In the city of Medina, at least, there were "jinns" or spirits who accepted Islam, and these turned into snakes, poisonous snakes that is, and sometimes occupied houses in Medina. (It is unclear whether this doctrine applies to snakes elsewhere, e.g., in Mecca, or to the snakes in Tehran or in Washington, D.C.) In any event, these Muslim jinns-become-poisonous-snakes would sometimes occupy the houses of the human Muslims, and there they presented a threat, as they did the young Muslim warrior who distrusted his wife.

Accordingly, the Muslim jinns-become-poisonous-snakes were to be given three days' warning to leave the household, and if they did not, they could be killed because the Muslim-jinns-become-poisonous-snakes were then also devils. (Again, it is unclear whether this teaching would apply to the snakes in Mecca, Tehran, or Washington, D.C.)

Now, with this background, we may turn to another hadith, again from the Sahih Mulsim, 26.5558:

Asma' b. 'Ubaid reported about a person who was called as-Sa'ib having said: We visited Abu Sa'id Khudri. When we had been sitting (with him) we heard a stir under his bed. When we looked we found a big snake, the rest of the hadith is the same [as the one above, i.e., 26.5557]. And in this Allah's Messenger is reported to have said: Verily in these houses there live aged (snakes), so when you see one of them, make life hard for it for three days, and if it goes away (well and good), otherwise kill it for (in that case) it would be a nonbeliever. And he (the Holy Prophet) said (to his Companions): Go and bury your companion (who had died by the snake bite).

This hadith seems to be a version of the other hadith. An additional enlightenment is that jinns-become-poisonous-snakes become devils after three days and jinns-become-poisonous-snakes become unbelievers after three days are equivalent, which suggests that unbelievers and devils are equivalent in Muhammad's eyes (or his brain).

WARNING: DO NOT LOOK AT THIS SNAKE
IT WILL CAUSE BLINDNESS AND SPONTANEOUS ABORTION!

There is a similar report given in Abu Dawud, another anthology of ahadith (41.5236):

Narrated Abu Sa'id al-Khudri:

Muhammad ibn Abu Yahya said that his father told that he and his companion went to Abu Sa'id al-Khudri to pay a sick visit to him. He said: Then we came out from him and met a companion of ours who wanted to go to him. We went ahead and sat in the mosque. He then came back and told us that he heard Abu Sa'id al-Khudri say: The Apostle of Allah said: Some snakes are jinn; so when anyone sees one of them in his house, he should give it a warning three times. If it return (after that), he should kill it, for it is a devil.

The form of imprecation against the snake is (thankfully) given us in another hadith (Abu Dawud, 41.5240).

Narrated AbdurRahman Ibn Abu Layla:

The Apostle of Allah was asked about the house-snakes. He said: When you see one of them in your dwelling, say: I adjure you by the covenant which Noah made with you, and I adjure you by the covenant which Solomon made with you not to harm us. Then if they come back, kill them.

From this we learn that the snakes made covenants with Noah and Solomon, and so, quite plainly, armed with this historical knowledge, we would be wise to invoke the Noahide and Solomonic treaties in our adjurations against the snakes as recommended by Muhammad. (By the way, Muhammad claimed that the Jews and Christians tampered with their Scriptures, so wherever the Qur'an and the Jewish or Christian scriptures vary, it is ipse dixit on the ground of the corruption of the latter. Since the covenant between snakes and Noah and snakes and Solomon is not found in either the Old or New Testaments, I would assume that this is one of those revelations excised by those unfaithful , ssssssslippery and sssssslick Jews and Christians.)

Muhammad displays a little more animosity against snakes in the following hadith (Abu Dawud, 41.5229):

Narrated Abdullah ibn Mas'ud:

The Prophet said: Kill all the snakes, and he who fears their revenge does not belong to me.

Don't be squeamish in killing snakes, or Muhammad will disown you!

It is not clear whether the hadith above refers to all snakes, to Muslim jinn-become-poisonous-snakes-who-ignore-Noahide-and/or-Solomonic-treaties-by-staying-in-Muslim-homes-in-Medina-after-three-days'-warning, or other kind of snakes.

There is a little more confusion in that all of a sudden the broad command is limited by other ahadith. For example, Sahih Muslim 26.5544 says the following:

Salim, on the authority of his father reported Allah's Apostle as saying: Kill the snakes having stripes over them and short-tailed snakes, for these two types cause miscarriage (of a pregnant woman) and they affect the eyesight adversely. So Ibn 'Umar used to kill every snake that he found. Abu Lubaba b. 'Abd al-Mundhir and Zaid b. Khattab saw him pursuing a snake, whereupon he said: They were forbidden (to kill) those snakes who live in houses.

I have not been able to refer to the many commentators, but it seems to me that these snakes (striped back and short-tailed) present other problems from the jinn-become-poisonous-snakes-who-ignore-Noahide-and/or-Solomonic-treaties-by-staying-in-Muslim-homes-in-Medina-after-three-days'-warning, and that the former may be killed without the three days' warning, obviously because of their danger to the general welfare.

This is buttressed by the fact that the jinn-become-poisonous-snakes-who-ignore-Noahide-and/or-Solomonic-treaties-by-staying-in-Muslim-homes-in-Medina-after-three-days'-warning are fatal, whereas the striped and short-tailed snakes cause only miscarriages and poor eyesight. This interpretation is supported by the hadith in Abu Dawud 5232:

Ibn Umar reported the Apostle of Allah as saying: Kill snakes, kill those which have two streaks and those with small tails, for they obliterate he eyesight and cause miscarriage.

Salim said: Abd Allah used to kill every snake which he found. Abu Lubabah or Zaid b. al-Khattab saw him chasing a snake. He said: He (the Prophet) prohibited killing house snakes.

One of Muhammad's wives, 'Aisha, was apparently taught this. In Sahih Bukhari (4.54.528), we learn the following:

Narrated 'Aisha:
The Prophet ordered that a short-tailed or mutilated-tailed snake (i.e. Abtar) should be killed, for it blinds the on-looker and causes abortion.

And this is corroborated by a certain Abu Mulaika in Sahih Bukhari 4.54.529:

Narrated Abu Mulaika:
Prophet said, 'Do not kill snakes except the short-tailed or mutilated-tailed snake with two white lines on its back, for it causes abortion and makes one blind. So kill it.'

There you have it . . . Sssssshari'a on Sssssssnakes!

Beware of Wigs, Toupees, and Hair Extensions: They are Haram!

There are many benefits to being a Muslim. One of the great benefits is that one learns what offends Allah, and what does not offend the Allah. And it is very important to know these things because human reason has no way of knowing what can please Allah and what may offend him. I am sure that from Allah's perspective they make sense, but from our perspective what Allah wills does not always make sense.

Sometimes, for us, what Allah hates seems highly arbitrary. For example, who would think that killing a Jew or a Christian, or an apostate Muslim is a good thing, and will win you a blessing and a ticket to paradise, but that wearing wigs will earn you a curse from Allah and a ticket to hell?

I, for one, would not have known this were so were it not for the wonderful Sunna that helps us know these things that otherwise we could not even guess at knowing. Our reason and common sense would tell us that wearing a wig, though it may reflect vanity, is not as wrong as murdering someone for God's sake. But this, it turns out, is not true. See! Allah's ways are simply way beyond ours. A good Muslim ought not to trust his reason!

Wigs made of human hair are very offensive to Islam, as Muhammad taught that Allah curses women who wore wigs or wore hair extensions of real human hair (al-mustawsilah), even in extenuating (pun) circumstances.* Allah even curses wigmakers (al-wasilah), so both maker and wearer--the whole economy of wig-making and wig-wearing--are condemned as much as usury is condemned.

In Sahih Bukhari 7.72.817), for example, we find the following hadith:

An Ansari girl was married and she became sick and all her hair fell out intending to provide her with false hair. They asked the Prophet (pbuh) who said, "Allah has cursed the lady who artificially lengthens (her or someone else's) hair and also the one who gets her hair lengthened."

Here is another hadith from Sahih Bukhari (7.72.818):

Narrated by Asma (the daughter of Abu' Bakr) A woman came to Allah's Apostle and said, "I married my daughter to someone, but she became sick and all her hair fell out, and (because of that) her husband does not like her. May I let her use false hair?" On that the Prophet cursed such a lady as artificially lengthening (her or someone else's) hair or got her hair lengthened artificially.

Lest one waver, the next hadith (7.72.819) is succinct as it is clear:

Narrated by Asma (the daughter of Abu Bakr) Allah's Apostle has cursed such a lady as artificially lengthening (her or someone else's) hair or gets her hair lengthened.

A similar teaching is found in Sahih Bukhari 7.72.824:

Narrated by Asma

A woman asked the Prophet saying, "Oh Allah's Apostle! My daughter got measles and her hair fell out. Now that I got her married, may I let her use false hair?" He said (to her), "Allah has cursed the lady who lengthens hair artificially and the one who gets her hair lengthened artificially."

These and similar such ahadith make it clear that Muhammad and Allah both are disdainful of wigs. I would suppose no means no even if the little girl lost her hair because of chemotherapy. See! This is how wonderful Islam is! It tells the little girl who has lost her hair in chemotherapy that she must not have a wig of real human hair, but this is because Allah--isn't he merciful?--would otherwise curse her? The little girl that suffers both being bald and being ridiculed for it will grow up psychologically healthy because she will know that at least she avoided Allah's curse because she did not wear a wig of human hair.

Oh wicked wigs! Oh wicked wigs! How much better the world would be without wicked wigs!

Louis XIV was definitely not a Muslim!

Another hadith (Sahih Bukhari 4.56.674) evidences Muhammad's teaching that wigs are evil. And this one makes clear that the prohibition is not only for women, but includes men, and so presumably includes toupees. Men who wear wigs (al-mustawsil) and who make them (wasil) are execrable.

Humaid bin 'Abdur-Rahman (May Allah be pleased with him) said: I saw Mu'awiyah (May Allah be pleased with him) during the Hajj (pilgrimage) standing on the pulpit. He took from the guard a bunch of hair, and said: "O people of Al-Madinah! Where are your scholars? (Why do they do not prohibit you) I heard the Prophet (PBUH) prohibiting from using this (false hair) and saying, 'The people of Bani Israel were ruined when their women wore such hair.'"

Again, repetitio mater memoriae. Another hadith says:

Ibn 'Umar (May Allah be pleased with them) said: The Messenger of Allah (PBUH) cursed the maker and wearer of a wig and the tattooer and the one who is tattooed.

This must explain why Muslims believe America is cursed. After all, the American founders all wore wigs, white periwigs on top of that--egads! They were cursed! We are cursed! All on account of the wigs!

Allah damn the wig!

Écrasez la perruque!

Cursed wig-wearer!

This must explain why Mozart's music is so ugly, especially such works as his German Dances K 605). Not only was that piece written by a cursed man--after all, he wore a wig--he also had the temerity to put sleigh bells in his musical work, and, as all good Muslims know, Muhammad hated bells--they, after all, quite plainly instruments of the devil!

Cursed wigged musician!

Bless the world! Burn wigs! Burn wigs! Burn them all! A Jihad on all wigs!

We've heard of the Revolutionary sans culottes. We'd have been better off with sans perruques!

Wigs, wigs, and more wigs: A Muslim vision of Hell!

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*I understand that the subtleties of Shari'a allow for wigs other than for human hair (although there is some infighting among scholars here). See for here enlightenment. Clearly prohibited by all schools of thought are wigs of human hair, and of animals, such as pigs and dogs, that are considered unclean. However, for some schools (the liberals) synthetic or camel hair or other animal hair of a clean animal is acceptable, and for most everyone, the use of wool or silk, is acceptable. And naturally, a woman ought to cover the whole damn head with a burqa which makes the matter academic, or at least a matter for within the Muslim household. What's the incentive of wearing a wig under a burqa?

Muslim Law of Spit: Explication of Expectoration

For a pious Muslim, spitting has some great qualities. Before one is Muslim, spitting does nothing for you. After you become Muslim, however, your spittle becomes very powerful, as if by magic. This is one of the benefits of becoming Muslim: your spit turns from just mere human spit, to Islamic spit, and Islamic split is better than mere human spit. Muslims are the best of mankind, and so it follows, quite logically, that Muslim spit is better than Christian, Jewish, or (need we say), an atheist's spit. One of the great boons of becoming Muslim, then, is the benefit to your spit. Satan is frightened of a Muslim's spittle, but everyone else's spittle is . . . just spittle to Satan. If I were you, if for no other reason, I would become Muslim just because your spit turns magic.

Specifically, Muslim spit can keep you safe from nightmares, and protect your from Satan.

Spiting once over your left should protect you from bad dreams.

According to a hadith found in al-Bukhari (4.54.513):

Narrated Abu Qatada: The Prophet said, "A good dream is from Allah, and a bad or evil dream is from Satan; so if anyone of you has a bad dream of which he gets afraid, he should spit on his left side and should seek Refuge with Allah from its evil, for then it will not harm him.

Satan is a little harder to stop that mere nightmares. One must spit over his left shoulder three times to remove the temptations of Satan. According to a hadith found in Sahim Muslim 26.5463:

Uthman b. Abu al-'As reported that he came to Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) and said: Allah's Messenger, the Satan intervenes between me and my prayer and my reciting of the Qur'an and he confounds me. Thereupon Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) said: That is (the doing of the Satan) who is known as Khinzab, and when you perceive its effect, seek refuge with Allah from it and spit three times to your left. I did that and Allah dispelled that from me.

The spit is so powerful that it can be minimal spit, even a form of dry spit and dry spitting. This is a very fine art, and so we may be thankful for the likes of Egyptian Cleric Wagdi Ghneim, who will helps explicate the Muslim way of how to expectorate.

It is very funny that Christians worship the trinity (as Mr. Ghneim laughingly points out at the end of his enlightening talk). Muslims are much wiser, since they now that trinity refers not to God, but to spit techniques. Really, Allah and his prophet know best.

Mr. Ghneim suggests we teach our wives and children the benefits of spitting. Perhaps the following ditty (sung to the melody of "Knock Tree Times" by Tony Orlando) can help:

Oh my Allah
Spit three times o'er my shoulder and I'm safer
Mmmmm twice is no good, for Muhammad said so
Oh al-Rahman
Means my prayers will surely do you service
Oh twice is no good, for Muhammad said so.

Russians, I understand, have a custom of spitting over their left shoulder. This is something, I'm quite sure, they did not get from the wisdom of the Orthodox faith. It is something likely they got from the wisdom of Islam. This is just one example of how the West obtained so many benefits from Islam. Islam gave medieval Europe exposure to Aristotle and such other things. Islam gave the Russians the custom of spitting over one's left shoulder. It is perhaps a shame that the greater West did not get this custom at the same time it was exposed to the works of Avicenna and Averroes.

Islam has forgotten Aristotle (and Avicenna and Averroes).

But Islam has not forgotten its teachings on spitting.

Islam has put the more important thing first, since everyone knows that one hadith is (or two ahadith are) better than the whole of Aristotle.

Things brings us to an interesting fact. Islam tells us to forget Aristotle (he's much too hard to read anyway), but reminds us to spit over your left shoulder. Oh . . . and if you are tempted to read Aristotle . . . why that's either a bad dream or a temptation of Satan . . . so . . . quickly . . . remember your Sahih al-Bukhari, remember your Sahih Muslim, remember the sublime teachings of Muhammad, and spit three times with great celerity over your left shoulder. The temptation to read Aristotle should leave you.*

Guaranteed by the word of Muhammad.

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*It may also have the unfortunate side effect of suppressing your reason, but reason is overrated anyway. Reason, one might remember, would probably say that a Muslim's spit is just like everyone else's spit, and that spitting over one's left shoulder is not really much different metaphysically from spitting over one's right shoulder. Reason may even say that the devil could care less whether you spit over your left or right shoulder. Reason in fact might say that the devil is happy so long as you think that spitting over your shoulder gets rid of his influence and don't think that you are under his influence if you believe that killing Christians and Jews and non-believers in jihad is commanded by God.